Friendships are sacred bonds, built on trust, shared experiences, belly laughs, knowing looks and above all, mutual support. However, what happens when you witness a bestie being constantly consumed by a web of toxicity in their romantic relationship? In today’s blog, I’ll offer insights on how to communicate effectively, provide support that goes beyond surface-level advice and how to navigate the thorny path of expressing concerns about a friend’s relationship, even when they may not see the warning signs themselves. Grab a glass of wine, and let’s dive in…
It’s a scenario many of us can relate to – You’re the go-to confidant, the one your friend turns to with the play-by-play of their relationship saga – the highs, the lows, and all the messy in-betweens. You’re armed with all the heartfelt advice, generously shared in hopes of guiding them through the relationship maze, while still trying to let them live their own life. Striking the right chord between offering guidance and holding back can feel as precarious as walking a tightrope. It’s a delicate dance, between the desire to see your friend flourish, while respecting their journey. However, if you do decide to speak up, I’ve complied a list of 10 tips in the aim of not only assisting you in broaching this difficult subject, but also to hopefully ensure that your friendship emerges unscathed and perhaps even strengthened by the shared experience.
1. Understanding Your Motivation: Before diving into that tricky talk, just pause for a sec and think about why you want to bring up your friend’s relationship. Are you genuinely worried about them, or are your own opinions getting in the way? Make sure you’re coming from a place of real care and not just your own biases.
2. Choose the Right Time and Place: Choose the right moment for this chat. Find a time when you and your friend are both relaxed, with as few interruptions as possible. Aim for a cozy spot where your friend can speak freely, without worrying about being judged or cut off.
3. Express Genuine Concern: Begin the conversation by expressing your genuine concern for their well-being. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as “I’ve noticed some changes” or “I’m concerned about how you seem to be feeling.”
4. Share Specific Observations: Try to get specific with your concerns. Instead of being vague, give them real examples of things that bother you. It makes your worries more tangible and less likely to be brushed off as just your opinion. For instance, if you’ve noticed them canceling plans often or their partner making disrespectful comments, bring those up. Concrete examples can help your friend understand where you’re coming from and take your concerns more seriously.
5. Use Non-Judgmental Language: Be mindful of how you say things, so it doesn’t come off as judgmental or critical. Share your thoughts like you’re just throwing observations into the mix, not laying down accusations. This way, your friend can take a step back and think about the situation without feeling like they’re being attacked. It’s all about creating a conversation, not a confrontation.
6. Be a Good Listener: Once you’ve spilled your thoughts, allow your friend to share their perspective. Be a good listener and resist the urge to play the problem-solving hero right away. More often than not, people need a space to vocalize their feelings before considering advice.
7. Offer Support, Not Ultimatums: Remind your friend that you’re there for them, irrespective of their choices. Rather than presenting ultimatums or demanding actions, offer your unwavering support. Let your friend know that you are there for them, no matter what choices they make. Feeling supported can make them more likely to consider your perspective without feeling defensive.
8. Establish Boundaries:While supporting your friend, it’s super important to set some clear boundaries. Let them know you’ve got their back, but also be clear about what you can and can’t do. You’re there as a caring friend, not a superhero rescuing their relationship. Let them know you’ve got them, but also make it clear that you can’t fix everything.
9. Respecting Boundaries: Recognize that your friend has agency over their life and choices. It’s essential to respect their autonomy, even if you strongly disagree with their decisions. Pushing too hard may strain your relationship, so find a balance between expressing concern and allowing them the space to make their own choices.
10. Be Prepared for Various Outcomes: Recognize that your friend may not immediately act on your advice. Be prepared for different outcomes, including one that may involve them distancing themselves from you temporarily. The name of the game here is patience. Your ongoing support is gold and will be crucial if they eventually wisen up and need help.
However, at the end of the day, every situation is like its own little snowflake, totally unique. There’s no universal playbook for this stuff. The golden rule in my book though ? Trust your gut, be that unwavering support system, and keep in mind that genuine friendship is all about respecting the choices our loved ones make. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there, as they figure out what they’re worth and what is truly best for themselves. Until next time x