Hello dear readers, Hannah here ! What a beautiful day it is, and I hope it’s been equally fantastic all week long. For the next few weeks, I thought we’d get a little more personal with ze blogs. So today’s topic of conversation are a few of my very own dating highs and horrors, which are varied and plentiful let me tell you right now. See I was in a couple long term relationships before meeting my fiancé, yet was also single in LA for years in between. So just based on that, we know I’m most likely locked and loaded with a litany of laughs and lows to share for your pure entertainment.
You know, it has always amazed me that there aren’t more movies or shows revolving around the horror’s on dating apps, there’s clearly plenty of material there. And I’m not speaking of the legitimately terrifying ways we’ve all heard of through our favorite murder podcasts and deeply fear ( stay safe out there my friends )… No, I’m talking of the times our dignity, morality, emotions were compromised and terrified into retreating after some truly horrendous dates. If you’ve ever used a dating app, which I feel is a fair assumption for a large number of the population reading this, you’re no stranger to the disappointments that lurk around every corner of today’s dating scene. And sadly neither was I. I did touched briefly on some of the common plunders in a previous post ( do’s and dont’s of the the modern dating world ) but I’m not here for general musings today. I’m here to share my personal stories. Though before delving into the few horrors listed below, there are two things you must know about me first for context… Nothing materialistic will ever impress me. I’ve learnt through my many years out in this big bad world that fancy cars, jobs, supposed connections and big ol’ houses are nice yes, but mean absolutely nothing as it has little to no reflection on who you are as a person. I do not suffer fools very well. Meaning I can rarely tolerate any level of outright malicious stupidity or disrespect. I’m also very opinionated, and have no problems sharing said opinions directly to the perpetrator. Okay, let us dive in…
The one where I walked out in the middle of the date – Yes, you read that right. 20 minutes into the date, I feigned needing to use the restroom and instead walked straight out of the restaurant because the date was that bloody atrocious. It sounds horrible, but let me explain… met this fella of Raya and while he seemed a little vanilla for my taste, both in looks and personality, he wasn’t horrible by any means so we set a date for the coming Friday. My first indication of madness should’ve been that he was 20 minutes late ( when he lived right around the corner ) and didn’t apologize for it in any way. That, and the fact he barely looked up from his phone as we were met by the maître and walked to our table. Strike one. Now we’re at a fancy ass place in Beverly Hills, so I busy myself with people watching ( a favored activity of mine ) and perusing the menu as he continues his incessant typing. He finally looks up as our waiter arrives, and without saying a word to me he order’s us champagne ( I fucking hate champagne ) in a manner that I can only describe as condescending and rude. Strike two. He half smiles at me and mumbles “ I’ll be with you in a sec, just gotta finish a few emails “ and once again buries his head. At this point, I’m physically shaking my head in disbelief. But calm myself, trying to give the benefit of the doubt that perhaps it was just a long and busy day for him.
The champagne arrives, and without lifting his head he rattles off a list of dishes he wants and wants fast as he’s a “regular”. On all levels, just ew. I’m now desperately trying to convey with my eyes to our lovely waiter that I don’t know this person, and am equally as appalled by his manners. He just smiles sympathetically, and I’m grateful he understands my mind messages. Old mate across the table ( not literally old, just an Aussie expression lol ) looks up from his lap and finally deigns me with his full attention. He then proceeds to ask me the one and only one question I will hear that night… “ So, you’re a model ? “. After affirming the idiotic question, he launches into a tirade about the “models” he’s dated, how many important people run in his circle, how he just can’t decide between this obnoxiously expensive car or another so may as well buy both with a creepy chuckle… strike fucking three. By this stage you can imagine my absolute rage at this self important wanker wasting my time. So a plan popped into my head that I would not only teach him a swift lesson, but get me out of there ASAP. I stare daggers at him as he prattled on, then sweetly asked “ Do you know where the restroom is ? “ He replied with a yes/grunt hybrid, gestures towards the back and without skipping a beat, buries himself back into his phone. I stand, grab my bag, jacket and dignity and instead of turning left to the restroom, I turned right towards the front door. I swear it was like a fucking rom com as I walked past the waiter with a knowing smile. Cut to me sitting in the back of my Uber 15 minutes later and receiving a barrage of messages through the app starting with ” Where are you ??? ” and ending with ” Are you fucking kidding me ?! I cant believe you left “. Now I’m not one to do somethinglike that unless I feel it warrants an extreme response. And am definitely not cruel when it comes to teaching lessons. So I simply said ” Listen mate, that was one of the worst dates I’ve ever been on and here are the reasons why. That’s not what I’m looking for, or any woman for that matter so you need to grow up and get your head out of your ass before asking anyone else on a date”. I then deleted the app because I needed a break from the type of man that seems to run rampant in LA. And vowed to keep that tactic in my back pocket in case I ever encountered one again as it seemed quite effective.
The one where I was left on the side of the road – Truth be told, I cant remember which app I met this next fella on. Perhaps it was even instagram, but my memory has blocked in out through sheer time and also bizarreness of situation. It was about 7 years ago, and we started chatting. Seemed like a nice enough human and v cute, our first “date” consisted of him coming over to my house and us chatting for hours with some PG heavy petting. Cut to a few days later, he asked if he can come over again. Our time together so far was lovely enough, so I said sure. He arrived and instead of settling in for another deep and meaningful over wine, he suggests we drive up to Mulholland overlook for a more romantic setting. I explained while yes, that place has the potential to be romantic, I wasn’t comfortable going there at night with someone who was a relative stranger. He seemed pissed, like abnormally pissed that I wouldn’t go and repetitively asked ” Whats the worst that can happen ?” Hmmm a lot mate, a lot. I keep explaining in a jovial manner that I haven’t fully vetted him yet, ain’t about to get murdered and perhaps that’s a future adventure we could take. After a few minutes the weird energy cleared and we started sipping on some glasses of wine and chatting about the day. A little while later, he nonchalantly says ” Okay well if not the outlook, wanna grab some food and a drink up on Ventura Blvd ? ” His energy was calm and clear, and even though I was perplexed as to his insistence on the question earlier, he seemed harmless and I was hungry. We got in the car and for the first 10 minutes, everything was fine. But then shit started to get weird. I noticed that we were heading in the opposite direction on Ventura then the agreed upon restaurant. That his driving was starting to be more erratic. That he was shooting slightly shifty glances my way. Im looking at the signs, both street and intuitive and realized we were heading straight towards, you guessed it… Mulholland drive. Nope, not a fucking chance. I swung my head around to him and demanded he stop the car. He laughs and asks why, in a way that makes me feel he knows exactly why. In a firmer and more raised voice, I say ” I don’t know what you think you’re doing but I’m not playing around. Stop the fucking car, right now.” He huffed and puffed for a few seconds then pulled over so fast I almost got whiplash. This motherfucker had the audacity to start yelling at me, saying I’m crazy ( really, I’m the crazy one in this situation ? ) that he wasn’t trying to hurt me only show me a good time ( wtf.. ), what the fuck is wrong with women nowadays etc etc ( men like you are our problem sweet cheeks )… his rant continues to escalate in both volume and rage, the look in his eyes quite concerning and I’m getting starting to feel not the safest. So instead of arguing with this lunatic I swing the door open, step out onto the curb into the dark and take a few steps back to create distance. He shouted a few more insults, reached over slammed his door shut and sped away. This asshole really left me on the side of the road at like 10:30pm because I refused to go to a dark and secluded place with him on what was technically our second date. What the actual fuck. Now granted I wasn’t in a shady area by any means, and had obviously dogged any danger that night. But was still a little shaken, and it sure was quite demoralizing calling my friend to come to pick me up/ having to recount what had happened. Now I can’t say for sure that his intentions were nefarious, but my intuition was flaring off left, right and centre and I’m glad I listened.
But just as the yin and yang of life in general, combating those abysmal dates ( and so many more ) are a few that shine very brightly in my memories.
The Day of Dates – I once had a human go above and beyond for one of my birthdays. We hadn’t been dating for long, maybe only a few months when December rolled around and another year was upon me. I’ve never been a big fan of my birthday’s. Other’s, I adored and went all out. But my own had only ever been fraught with loneliness and/or disappointment, so the bar was impossibly low. He suggests we go out for breakfast and even though the first meal of the day was never my favorite, I happily oblige. After stuffing ourselves with caffeine, pancakes and bacon, we head back home to get ready for a “surprise” that requires me to wear enclosed shoes and jeans later that day. I’m incredibly intrigued and already excited over the notion that someone has gone to even the smallest amount of trouble for me. But as we round the corner to my house, my jaw drops. There is a bouncy castle in my front yard…A BOUNCY CASTLE. The childlike delight that ran through my body was ridiculous, and we proceeded to bounce and laugh for a few hours on full stomachs as I shook my head in pure joyful shock at him. As leg’s began to tire, he informs me it’s time to get ready and we head inside to get dressed and ready. As we’re driving east, I’m peppering him with questions over what this next surprise could be. Luckily for his ears and my relentless excitement, we arrive 20 minutes later ( which is minuscule for LA ) and I’m met with a sunset horseback ride through the hills. Swoon, so stinking romantic. Leg’s now ridiculously tired, we head back for a quick lie down and freshen up before a fancy dinner. However just before leaving he turns to me, pulls out a perfectly wrapped lil’ box and asks me to open it. This beautiful necklace ( my first diamond mind you ) lay before me and I thanked him profusely as he wrapped it around my neck. We set out for cheese and wine at a beautiful french bistro, then to our most favored sushi spot. Nothing but drunken fun was had and after the all activities, the night’s meals and overall emotions of the day, we were both bloody exhausted. Safe to say heads hit the pillow soon after an insane amount of thanks and appreciation on my part. This day full of dates really filled my love cup up, helped heal some negative feelings I clearly had towards celebrating my own birth and remains firmly etched into the happier part of my mind.
That time I got to see Ed Sheeran – I once dated this lovely young man who just happened to be quite well known for his role on a very popular tv show. When we started dating, I was 26 and he was 18. So safe to say it was quite the scandal, both publicly and within our circles of friends and family. Never the less we prevailed as our time together was beautiful, filled with connective and adventrous moments despite any glaring differences. And even though the romantic side of our relationship wasn’t meant to be, he’s someone I still call a good friend to this day. Anyway, while we dating he calls me one random Tuesday and asks in sweetly sly way ” A friend has just informed me that Ed Sheeran is at the Staples Centre these next few nights, any chance you wanna go ? ” My answer was a resounding yes as anyone who knows me well, knows I LOVE Ed Sheeran. Like, LOVE HIM… some may even call it obsession. As you can imagine, I’m overflowing with joy and excitement as we battle the LA traffic downtown the next day, ready to bask in what would surely be a beautiful night. As we arrive, he says ” Listen, it was so last minute I couldn’t get the greatest seats “. I looked at him and with complete sincerity said I didn’t care where we sat, or even if I had to stand the entire night… I was so just happy and thankful for the opportunity to see one of my top 5 artists of all timeplay live. I continued to profusely praise him on this wonderful idea as we grabbed some concessions and started walking towards our seats. But instead of going up, we start walking down towards the floor. I look at him in confusion, and he just shoots me a knowing look with a grin that took up half his face. This sweet human had organized arguably the best seats in the house, which no doubt cost him a fortune. Seated 5 rows away from my Ginger God, I got tears in my eyes and hugged him so hard that it probably hurt while letting out a stream of uncontrollable fan girl laughter. To top it all off, his gesture was completely selfless. He’s not a fan of Ed in the slightest ( weird, and rude but whatever ) and sat there for 2+ hours while I screamed/sung songs, cried, laughed and forced him to dance with me. It will go down one of the greater nights of my life, and I’ll never be able to thank him or Ed enough for giving me this amazing memory.
The time I met an Elephant – Yes, AN ELEPHANT. First and foremost you must know, I adore Elephants. They are my favorite animal, for many many different reasons. So much so I have a little guy tattooed on my ankle. And this story involves a sanctuary where these beautiful creatures were cared for on the highest level. It was Valentines day, and for weeks before my ex had been dropping subtle hints over what was coming. He kept saying we were going to “Paris” to see something I had dreamt of for a long time. I’d roll my eyes in jest, knowing I’d enjoy anything he had planned but highly doubted it involved any air travel. We set out driving the morning of V day, the opposite way of the airport and we’ve packed no bags so I’m wracking my brains as to where on earth we were going. We drive and drive, my anticipation growing and my questions more insistent and most probably annoying. He remains tip lipped though, and after a few more hours, we arrive to a place called Perris, California… sneaky sneaky. We start twisting and turning down these tiny dirt roads and I’m wholly bloody confused at this point. I start thinking to myself ” Wait, is he getting me a puppy ? ” as it is something I’d been quite vocal about. But what happen next far surpassed that, and is forever seared into my brain. We turn this corner and all of a sudden are enveloped in lush green with a beautiful iron gate in front of us. He text someone, the gates swing open and with a smile that’s almost splitting his face, tells me to look to the left. My eyes land on two of the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever witnessed, playfully showering themselves in water and I go into some kind of joyful shock that I’d never experienced before. I can’t speak, my breath is stilted and I have silent tears running down my face. In fact, any and all photos/videos taken during this adventure I have the stupidest expression across my face. I’d be here all day if I recounted every joy that was had, but I can confidently say that my admiration and love of Elephants/ the people who care for them grew deeper than I ever thought possible. And while our relationship didn’t end on the best terms, I’m forever grateful to this person for a truly unforgettable, once in a lifetime experience.
Now of course it goes without saying that my first, and subsequent dates with Joe rank highest on my internal list as any and all time spent with him is my favorite. The exception being that time we were dressed as The Joker and Harlequinn for Halloween, got drunk and had a stupid fight that consisted of us screaming at each other in the middle of the street in full costume… that stands firmly as a horror for both of us, albeit an amusing one in retrospect. But I get into all of that and so much more in my next blog post, which will focus on the in’s and out’s of our relationship. So stayed tuned, Friends and Fromies, for the juiciest of musings next Monday. As always, a lot of love from myself and the entire FROME team to you.. Until next time x
HJG for First Rounds On Me