Ahh rejection. The messy yet seemingly necessary evil that exists on many levels within the dating world. From the simple ” Urgh no ” in response to offering a drink to that rando at the bar, to inexplicable episodes of ghosting on connections that felt real. Or even the heaviness of a years long relationships crumbling with no explanation… every single one of us has experienced it, and are subsequently left with varying levels of scars and stories. So I thought today’s topic could be steeped in just that, some tips and tricks I hope you’ll find helpful while navigating the inevitable. Grab a glass of wine, or preferred beverage of choice and lets dive in…
Dita Von Teese once famously said “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” And that beautiful, effervescent queen is right. Because the truth of that matter is my friends, you’re never going to be everyone’s cup of tea. And the list of reasons for that rejection is so long, incredibly complex and sometimes damn confusing. It might be that their ex has stepped back into the picture, or that personal issues are currently using up most of their emotional energy. Maybe they just realised that more growth was needed before being available to another, or perhaps dating app fatigue has fully set in. It’s possible they’re in a captivating stage of their career, or priorities are set to self after a recent break up. Or, as stingingly simple as it is, that you’re just not their type. Which by the way has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive or amazing you are…it’s just that you’re tall, blonde and slender who likes being active when they prefer short, curvy and brunette who’s a homebody. My point is, who the fuck knows what the reason behind your recent rejection is…all we can do is remember that while rejection is hurtful and in some cases humiliating, it has the potential to build character and self worth if remedied in the right ways. So number one on my list today is accepting the fact that you will get rejected.
Next, I plead with you to not take it so personally ! For two main reasons. First, they probably don’t see you as a person. Wait ! Before you get offended, let me explain. I’ve touched on this briefly in a few past posts, but the harsh reality with online dating today is that most of us experience varying levels of disassociation. In part due to the busyness of our demanding schedules through this work-centric society, and the constant need to be filling time as to not look lazy or boring. But mostly through the overwhelming options, both in people and where to find them that we are faced with. Because of the vast and seemingly unending amount, we often end up treating people like statistics instead of potential someone’s. Matches hold no meaning as there are wayyy more than we could ever handle, and the “grass could be greener “ effect is in full swing. In fact, when doing research for this post, I came across a fascinating study (https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1948550619866189 ) in which they hypothesised the existence of a Rejection Mind-Set. Stating that continued access to virtually unlimited potential partners makes people more pessimistic and rejecting. Aka endless potential matches make people feel more pessimistic about finding a partner, which in tern continues the cycle of rejection. Hence why FROME works so well…
Secondly, rejection is not a reflection of your worth. In fact most of the time it has little to nothing to do with you. I know, I know.. it doesn’t feel that way most of the time. It feels fucking personal. And our most natural reaction is to immediately start questioning ourselves when someone we want doesn’t want us back. Consumed with what did I do wrong’s, or why am I not good enough’s ?, it can become an exhausting experience. However I think you’ll find that if you flip that internal narrative from ” What did I do wrong ” to ” What can I learn from this experience “, along with a strong sense of who you are and what you bring to the table, it’ll become crystal clear that the rejection and the energy from it deserves to be placed on them, not you. And if you’re struggling ( like many do ) to find that love for yourself, check out a past blog post on self love and care here https://firstroundsonme.co/know-thyself/
In the same sense of not taking it too personally, dwelling on rejection can be the death of our romantic self. Now of course, it’s absolutely essential to truly feel your emotions. But it’s equally as vital that you accept, move forward and ultimately learn from them. Give yourself permission to grieve after being rejected. Then make sure you are giving yourself permission to try again. Also, remember that you are not alone ! No one can escape rejection, and the pain of it is universal. So please don’t feel isolated within this endeavour, and don’t underestimate or forget to utilise the power of support and discussion. It’s so important to lean on the ones we love in times of emotional distress because it reminds us of all the things that we can’t remember in that moment… like how loveable we truly are.
At the end of the day, rejection is part and parcel of the dating game. I know it can be incredibly hard when feelings are hurt, or you feel you’ve been in a vicious dating cycle as of late. But I urge you to use this time as one of personal growth rather than destruction. Let’s look at someone rejecting you as that person saving you precious, valuable time. That it’s very much the universe ushering you towards potential partners who are worthy of your love and affection. Viewing it as positive part of the process not only helps shift you into a more constructive and focused mindset, it allows your self worth and confidence to flourish. And remember babe…if you didn’t experience the lows, you wouldn’t know how good the highs feel.
Until next time x