Hi, Hannah here ! Took a week off to spend with the fam but we are back, better than ever and ready to dive into today’s topic of conversation… which is, the modern dating world and how to navigate it. Now, I believe we can collectively agree that dating today is not for the faint of heart. It’s an ever changing landscape that proves to be incredibly hard to traverse. Thanks to, in part, the overwhelming amount of apps or infuriating/disheartening trends that are wayyy to prevalent i.e ghosting, bread crumbing or just being a straight up shitty person. However don’t lose hope, as there are some tips and tricks available to help aid in your quest for true connection and love.
If you’re a 90’s baby like me, I feel we absorbed a lot information about dating and relationships from tv and movies. More often that not it was lighthearted discussions that touted appropriate timing for each step of the dating process. From asking certain questions, kissing to having sex, when to meet the families or talk about the future… a lot of which seems quite outdated now considering the world we live in, and the fact our minds and perspectives are constantly expanding. So let’s kick this off with a few dating “rules” that I believe we can happily leave in the past.
No smooches on the First Date : Queue eye roll… The first date is traditionally about getting to know someone enough to see if they’re worth pursuing a second date with. And everyone has a different levels of comfort when it comes to any form of intimacy. So if you lock lips before you even go on the date, or wait until a month for a kiss on the cheek, what does it matter? Rules shouldn’t dictate our varying preferences when it comes to physical contact or connection.
Speaking of, The Infamous “Three Date ” rule : Something that typically ( and infuriatingly ) seems to apply to woman through the male view, and has me giving the biggest exasperated “ohh please…” of recent memory. How is a woman indulging in her own sexual wants and needs, on the same level as a man, still seen in such a smutty and morally condemning way ? It’s 2022 people. Get with the fucking program. Please let us collectively eradicate any and all “rules” that apply to what you want to do with your own body and when. It’s your body, it’s your choice and any decision made is wholeheartedly up to you. Also, whatever you do or don’t do on a first, second, third or bloody tenth date should not dictate whether or not you are “ husband or wife material”. If it does, I don’t think that person is for you.
A one sided courtship. Now please understand, I don’t think chivalry needs to die. I love it. But I do believe we’re at a place in society where it shouldn’t be one sided. Gone are the days of only men making the first move, paying for everything ( and anything ) at every turn… Chivalry is now essentially the mutual respect and support that one can provide to another person, and that’s something either human can give freely. Constantly striving for equality runs deep within the veins of our society and the modern dating world reflects that.
Now just because we’ve outed some rules doesn’t mean that there isn’t double ready to take their place. In fact, things have gotten incredibly more complex and finding love proves to be more of an adventure than any time of past. It’s unpredictable, chaotic even and full of endless options that start to take the humanity out of finding your human. To somewhat combat this, we really should try to cultivate a “growth” mindset when it comes to dating. If you see each date as a learning opportunity, it becomes less intimidating and all over a more enjoyable experience. However no matter where you are in the process, there are some general do’s and dont’s when it comes dating in this age.
Make your own rules, and make them clear
Honoring what you feel is right for you is ultimately the only sure fire way to ensure you have a positive dating experience. Being strong behind what you value and what interests you are a few really important factors in finding a forever partner. It also up to you to figure out what you’re willing to put up with, and what personifies a good or bad sign. All too often we enter into a new connection and become consumed by it, so being sure of who you are and what you want is essential.
Be upfront about what you want
There is a lot you can lose by hiding your true feelings and intentions. Doing so will cause copious amounts of confusion and friction that will most likely deplete your emotional sanity. Now I’m not saying to entirely pour your heart, soul and ultimate partner dreams out on the first date. We’ve seen the classic rom-coms involving either gender coming on too hard, too strong that leaves a feeling of unrealistic expectations in the air. However there is nothing to be gained by hiding the fact that you’re ultimately looking for your forever person when the conversation comes up. If you’re worried that telling a potential partner you want a relationship (in general, not necessarily with them) because you think it’ll scare them off or make you seem desperate, I urge you to let go of that idea. Anyone who exits the chat when you’re honest about your intentions clearly isn’t on your level of maturity and is not your person.
Keep your mind open
Being open-minded is an important rule on this list. Yes, as I said earlier, you need to have clearly defined wants, needs and boundaries. However you may inadvertently close yourself off to meeting a potential long term love, purely because they aren’t your “go-to”. Don’t automatically write someone off because they don’t fit your typical mold. After all, what do you have to lose by giving them a chance?
Treat People with Respect
The old adage of “treat others how you would like to be treated ” couldn’t be more relevant when it comes to dating nowadays. No one, and I mean no one wants to be led on. We are all humans, with emotions and feelings. So please make sure you do the respectful, considerate thing by texting people back, even if it is to say that you are not interested in dating them anymore. Being honest is the kindest thing you can do, even if it may feel awkward and uncomfortable at times. Moreover, when you respect others, you are more likely to get that respect back.
Take your time
One of the biggest challenges we face in modern dating world is the amount of choice we have at our fingertips. This may seem like a great thing on the surface, but research has shown just how paralyzing this can be. Like being at a loss when trying to find something to watch on Netflix, an abundance of choices ends up quite debilitating and leaves us anxious and all over less confident about commitment. Take the pressure off by understanding that all good things take time.
Of course we all put our best foot forward when it comes to new interactions, dating profiles aren’t exempt from that. However any time you boldface lie about your interests, hobbies, background or general ethos of self, it automatically creates mistrust. Something we all know is a killer to a relationship at any level, and is a sure fire way to waste not only your own time, but others.
Evolving is a necessary part of life my friends. As is making compromises when it comes to dating or being in a relationship. But you should only change yourself to become who you want to be, not what you think others want you to be. Worry about what will make you happy and be the best version of yourself. This may sound a bit selfish. But, in reality, it’s called having strong boundaries and high self-esteem. Only making time for people who make time for you in the early days of dating.
Play hard to get
Weirdly, we hold this idea that whoever cares less when dating or in a relationship is the one who has the most power. But connection and love should never be about power. Caring is not a bad thing. In fact, we’re literally supposed to care about each other. Wired that way, it’s innate. So what does it matter if you “come on too strong” for today’s flippant scene. Be true to your feelings and what you want. When you find the person that lights a fire inside, treats you with care and respect and makes you genuinely happy, let them know. Playing hard to get is basically engaging in emotional Russian roulette.
Use apps to be or have a side piece
This just makes me shake my head in disgust. Cheating used to be very defined, but with an obnoxious amount of apps that create ways to be sneaky, the rate of being unfaithful seems to be rising. I personally have a hard line when it comes to this subject, whether it be physical or emotional and Joe is very aware that if that line is crossed, there is no coming back. If you are the one stepping out on your relationship using these apps, shame on you. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, don’t be a wanker and purse other things on the side for your own selfish needs. Have enough respect for your partner ( and the general dating population for that matter ) to end it in a loving way. No, it wont be easy but at least your karma cup wont be somewhat permanently emptied on a carnal whim.
If you know someone is in a relationship and you willingly engage, you are the enemy of love. Are you that lonely that your moral compass completely turns off when shown the slightest bit of attention ? Are you that careless with other people’s emotions and lives ? Are you disillusioned just enough to believe that the lie’s over why this person is stepping out wont apply to you one day ? If you find yourself in this position, search within as to why you think its okay. Then strive to be a better person. Because all you’re doing is causing heartache to someone you don’t know, and have absolutely no right to hurt.
Play or fall prey to the following trends
Life is hard enough without having to deal with a constant stream of disrespect while dating. I feel the following trends really encompass that, a few in particular that really grind my gears….
Catch and release – winning someone over and then releasing them as part of the chase… ew. If you are that desperate for some kind of thrill, go skydiving or brave Hollywood Blvd on a Saturday in full blown tourist season. Intentionally fucking with peoples emotions just for your own bizarre satisfaction borders on sociopathic in my books.
Benching, other wise known as Bread crumbing. Keeping someone on the sidelines, giving them the bare minimum to keep the on hook. The definition of playing the most un-fun game ever, and so deeply selfish. You don’t go fishing to let the fish dangle just below the surface, do you ? Either catch or release, there is no other option.
Micro-cheating. Texting other romantic interests on the side, like an ex, without the other person knowing. A milder version of a side piece I suppose, but something I still consider full blown cheating. If you aren’t ready to let go of an ex, leave your immature ways behind, or simply find joy in engaging in any kind of deception and deceit, you are not ready nor welcome into the dating world.
Ghosting aka disappearing from a person’s life without a word. Perhaps the most infamous of these dating trends. The height of disrespect, and completely unacceptable for anyone not in their teens. If you aren’t into someone, that’s okay babe. No ones holding a gun to your head ( at least I hope ) and you are allowed to not want to walk down that particular path. But have the decency to let that person know so they aren’t wondering what they did wrong.
Why FROME should come First
Whether you’re just stepping in for the first time or returning after a much needed hiatus, know this. Apps are a necessary part of today’s dating world. But our dependence on technology can harm our connection and conversation skills with people in real life. It seems rather than meeting up soon after online chemistry has been made, we are mulling over carefully worded texts for days and sometimes even weeks. Apps should be used as the tool they were intended to be. A technological gateway, a brief pre cursor to actually getting to know people in real life. Yes, it’s very important to establish common ground before meeting up, but texting for too long will be the death of a first date. Plus, waiting that long can build up expectations and lead to many of the trends or “please dont’s ” mentioned above. That’s in part why my handsome husband decided to create this app. I mean, our mission statement is literally ” Bringing back Real Dating “. We know that people need to get off their phones, back into life and hopefully love. It’s why we only allow one date per day, and whythe chat box wont open until 6 hours before that date. It all but eliminates the bullshit back and forth with flaky people, and sets you up for dating success. So if you’re fed up with the rest, I urge you to give our community a try.
If you’re in dating hell right now, I feel you, I’m sorry and I’m here for you. However I want to reiterate Friends and Fromies…the purpose of going on dates and opening yourself up to meet someone new is not to feed your ego, solve any insecurities, or to find a soulmate right this minute. The purpose is to collect information that will bring you closer to a happy, more fulfilling life and hopefully have a stellar time along the way. Bottom line is that it should be fun meeting new people, whether or not a second date follows. If it’s not, take a break a reevaluate. Don’t worry…Connection is real and love, true love is out there. I promise. As always, myself and the entire team wish you a wonderfully delicious week. Until next time x
HJG for First Rounds On Me