We’ve all been there: you’ve been seeing someone for a while, things are going pretty well, and yet, there’s that question lingering in the back of your mind… what TF are we? Cue the dramatic inner monologue, the overthinking, and that dreaded anxiety spiral.

Now, if you’re like me, or a few dear friends of mine, and have only really ever dated people who were straight-up secure (you know, the type that just says “We’re dating now, and I love you” without any of the guesswork), you might not have had to worry much about having “the talk.” I mean, Joe asked me to be his girlfriend as the clock struck midnight on NYE in 2020. That man knew what he wanted, and it was so damned romantic. But for those of us who need a bit of clarity, or you’re now stepping into that territory with someone new, approaching this conversation can feel like navigating a minefield. No one wants to come off as needy, clingy, or—heaven forbid— anxiously attached. As hard as it is to say, it’s not sexy, and we all know it.

So how do you ask the question without sounding like you’re two seconds away from popping out a whiteboard with a relationship timeline? Grab a glass of wine, and let’s break it down…

1. Start with the Positives

Before diving headfirst into “Where is this going?”, start by reinforcing what’s going well. Something like, “I’ve been really enjoying our time together lately” or “I love spending time with you” sets a positive tone. It shows that you’re not about to launch into a dramatic declaration, but you are genuinely invested in what’s been building between you. The key here is to not make it sound like you’ve been silently panicking in the background. Stay casual, confident, and highlight that your interest comes from a good place—not from anxiety.

2. Timing Is Everything

No one wants to be blindsided by a “what are we” conversation in the middle of brunch, just as the avocado toast arrives. Pick your moment. Ideally, you want a setting that’s comfortable, laid-back, and private enough for a deeper conversation. Whether that’s during a cozy night in or after a fun, low-stakes date is up to you. The trick is to avoid springing the conversation on them when they’re stressed or distracted. Timing it right will help you avoid coming off as anxious or demanding.

3. Keep It Light (At First)

Start with a little humor to break the ice! Say something cheeky like, “So, how many other people are you dating right now?” or “Am I still your favorite FROM match?” Playfulness helps keep the conversation low-pressure and prevents the whole thing from feeling too intense. Plus, it gives the other person the opportunity to ease into the topic with their own thoughts. If they respond with a laugh and a clear answer, great! If they’re dodging it, you can smoothly transition into more serious territory.

4. Use “I” Statements

Here’s where we dive into psychology 101: I statements help reduce defensiveness and keep the conversation focused on your feelings without sounding accusatory or confrontational. Instead of saying, “What are we?” (which can sound like you’re demanding an answer), try “I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy spending time with you, and I’m curious how you’re feeling about us.” This shifts the tone from “I need reassurance” to “I’m interested in how we’re both feeling,” which is less likely to trigger any defense mechanisms in your potential partner. Plus, it shows that you’re considering their perspective too.

5. Frame It as a Check-In, Not an Ultimatum

No one likes feeling backed into a corner, and nothing screams anxious attachment like giving someone an ultimatum. Instead, approach the conversation as a relationship “check-in” rather than a demand for commitment. You could say something like, “I think it’s a good time to check in and see where we’re at.” This makes it clear that you’re open to hearing their side, and it’s not about you forcing them to make a decision right this minute.

6. Be Open to Their Answer

If you’re asking “what are we,” be prepared to hear something you might not want to hear. The best way to avoid coming across as anxiously attached is to be genuinely open to their response—whatever that may be. They might not be ready for the level of commitment you’re looking for, and that’s okay! The goal is to get clarity, not to lock them down. Remember, being secure in yourself means being okay with whatever answer they give. If they’re on a different page, you’ll at least know, and you can decide what’s best for YOU moving forward.

7. Know What You Want—And Don’t Apologize for It

One of the biggest reasons people come off as anxious in these conversations is because they’re apologetic about wanting something more. Spoiler alert, and say it with me: you don’t have to apologize for wanting clarity or commitment! Confidence is key here—know what you’re looking for and don’t be afraid to communicate that in a direct but respectful way. You can say something like, “I’m really enjoying getting to know you, and I want to see where this could go long-term. How do you feel about that?” There’s no shame in expressing your hopes, just make sure you’re giving them the space to express theirs too.

At the end of the day, the way you approach the “what are we” conversation speaks volumes about your self-assurance. Stay calm, communicate openly, and most importantly, own your feelings. You’re not asking for the world—just clarity on where things are going. By using these 7 tips, you can avoid the anxiety trap and approach the conversation with confidence, care, and maybe even a cheeky smile or two. Until next time x